Who am I?

To start out I guess this is a blog for my feelings and frustration. Somewhere I can write my feelings from the best to worst, most likely the worst. This blog is meant to be my place of safety, where I let it all out. There maybe post that just say "I am screaming inside" or maybe some that are happy and cheerful. I hope those will grow in number as the years go by. I have a blog about my children, so this is just for me.
So why start tonight? Because I don't know what else to do all my actions so far have lead me no where, the progress everyone sees is me just bottling everything up again. And then I exploded at the people I love and care for most. Not that it is their fault at all, they just happened to be the ones that will listen and put up with me.
So the short version of my last year and a half. I was married for 7 years, happily for 5 years, struggled for 1 year and then asked for a divorce a year and half ago. It is hard to describe the pain, even now thinking about it, it hurts! I never thought that I would be a divorced mother, it never crossed my mind honestly. So I moved home to Lacey WA and live with my parents. Which has had its ups and downs but for the most part it works great. Last Thanksgiving 2009 my divorce was finalized and I thought with it being over the pain would be gone. But it isn't! At times I can ignore it and there are even days where I don't think about it at all. But then the nights come and I am alone or I get phone calls like the one I just got off with him and I want to puke my guts out from the hurt and loneliness. He was my best friend and love, I don't even know him any more, I don't recognize the person I married. The man that stood by my side during 2 births. Yes we have 3 boys together but my last one was an emergency c-section and he couldn't be in the room. But at the same time he wasn't there emotionally like he was for the first 2.
Now I am learning to live and grow on my own. To raise 3 energy filled boys that can be wonderful and loving, but also angry and hurt. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain the reason why their Oma tells them I am mean? How do I make everyone happy and myself? I am learning to be true to my Heavenly Father and to follow his guidance. I try and forgive but it is so hard sometimes. I want to hate him and his family and never deal with them again. But for the boys sake I need to find a balance. A way to protect myself from the pain but allow them to now their father and his family. There is no easy answer to these questions and I have a feeling I will be working through them for a long time! At least every time I have an interaction with him.