Being Rational

Where does Jealousy come from? And how do you deal with it? I woke up this morning with feelings of hurt and anger. We had some friends over for dinner last night and they of course share their stories of how they met. I am sure they don't have a perfect life and they have their trials but as I listened the jealousy and anger creep in. I know rationally that it isn't their fault and that where I am in my life is just one moment and that I will work through this. But it seems like once I start feeling optimistic and that I will have a full life, something reminds me of what I lost. Maybe I need that reminder so I don't become complacent again and so I keep growing but it still hurts. It makes me think of how much I loved Joseph and how much I miss him. Who he used to be anyways. How do you feel that emptiness? I know I am not ready for another relationship and I know everyone keeps telling me that I will find someone else. But I don't believe it, I want that feeling of being together but feel like it wouldn't be the same. I have three boys that I love and cherish which will make things so different then the first years of marriage. And I am afraid I would never be able trust anyone else again.

LDS Singles ~ What was I thinking?

So I actually set up an account with LDS singles.com today. Why? I am not sure....I know I am not ready to have a relationship with anyone. I know that I don't have the time or the energy for something like that. But I was talking to Sarah and we were just curious about what is out there for someone in my position. Right now I can't imagine moving from here, I don't want to uproot the boys again so I am looking for someone local.....someday. There are a few out there but just looking made me realize that I am not ready personally. I am not on a strong enough foundation to have anything emotional, spiritual or even physical to offer. I don't know if I will every remarry, Part of me still Loves Joseph the person he was when I married him, the person he was for the first 4 years of our marriage. I have to be able to let go of him mentally and emotionally. I have to be able to forgive and let go of the love, hurt, angry and agony. The memories will always be there but the everyday emotion needs to be gone. I will not drag my past relationship with me into a new relationship. So I guess until I feel like I have let go and not let him emotionally affect me anymore.....I am not ready!

Who am I?

To start out I guess this is a blog for my feelings and frustration. Somewhere I can write my feelings from the best to worst, most likely the worst. This blog is meant to be my place of safety, where I let it all out. There maybe post that just say "I am screaming inside" or maybe some that are happy and cheerful. I hope those will grow in number as the years go by. I have a blog about my children, so this is just for me.
So why start tonight? Because I don't know what else to do all my actions so far have lead me no where, the progress everyone sees is me just bottling everything up again. And then I exploded at the people I love and care for most. Not that it is their fault at all, they just happened to be the ones that will listen and put up with me.
So the short version of my last year and a half. I was married for 7 years, happily for 5 years, struggled for 1 year and then asked for a divorce a year and half ago. It is hard to describe the pain, even now thinking about it, it hurts! I never thought that I would be a divorced mother, it never crossed my mind honestly. So I moved home to Lacey WA and live with my parents. Which has had its ups and downs but for the most part it works great. Last Thanksgiving 2009 my divorce was finalized and I thought with it being over the pain would be gone. But it isn't! At times I can ignore it and there are even days where I don't think about it at all. But then the nights come and I am alone or I get phone calls like the one I just got off with him and I want to puke my guts out from the hurt and loneliness. He was my best friend and love, I don't even know him any more, I don't recognize the person I married. The man that stood by my side during 2 births. Yes we have 3 boys together but my last one was an emergency c-section and he couldn't be in the room. But at the same time he wasn't there emotionally like he was for the first 2.
Now I am learning to live and grow on my own. To raise 3 energy filled boys that can be wonderful and loving, but also angry and hurt. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain the reason why their Oma tells them I am mean? How do I make everyone happy and myself? I am learning to be true to my Heavenly Father and to follow his guidance. I try and forgive but it is so hard sometimes. I want to hate him and his family and never deal with them again. But for the boys sake I need to find a balance. A way to protect myself from the pain but allow them to now their father and his family. There is no easy answer to these questions and I have a feeling I will be working through them for a long time! At least every time I have an interaction with him.